Depression

F*ck You Depression, I Brushed My Teeth…

For the record I am not in any way speaking for everyone who has or has had depression. This is my story and I’m stick to it.

Depression sucks. It doesn’t just suck because you start feeling sad for no reason, it sucks because you start feeling sad for no friggin reason out of friggin no where during a time when you are the happiest you could ever be.

This used to only happen to me once a month. Now it seems to be popping up whenever the hell it wants to. 

I usually get teary eyed, like I am right now, and just lay down and sleep it away. Sometimes the tears are too hard to fight and I just let them win.

I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t want to do yoga, which I love. I don’t want to crochet my happy rainbow blanket. I don’t want to finish the set of mala beads that I’ve started for a friend. And sometimes I don’t even want to feel happy.

As fucked up as that sounds, sometimes it just takes too much energy to put a smile on my face.

But a breakthrough happened tonight. I brushed my teeth.

I was laying in bed wiping the stupid tears off my face, hoping Tim (my wonderful fiancé ) wouldnt notice because then they would just pour out more, and telling myself I’m just going to go to the bathroom and go to sleep.
When I walked past the mirror in the bathroom to do just that I stopped myself and flipped the depression the lovely finger.

I may not be wanting to feel happy right now, but I sure have enough energy to be pissed.

I picked up my toothbrush and really messy toothpaste that I’ve been meaning to clean up, it’s everywhere like on the countertop and hanging off the toothpaste container (sorry mom LOL) and I brushed my mother freakin teeth.

To those of you who do not have depression, I’m not going to say suffer because that just makes it worse, sometimes the littlest, simplest things are the hardest things in the world to do.

It sucks because you start getting down on yourself, or at least that is what I tend to do, because you know how simple it is so just get off your sniffling ass and do it.

I just realized how that last sentence sounded and I’m not sorry because it made me smile. #smallvictories.

I put so much pressure on myself to get things done. I feel terrible when I let myself do nothing or buy myself something special or take care of my damn self. I view the people I care about as more important and part of that is how my depression gets triggered. 

But it’s actually more important to take care of me so I can give to others.

That’s a hard ass pill to swallow and believe me it’s still stuck in my throat.

Again, I am in no way shape or form speaking for

This is my story and I thought that I would kick depression in the ass a second time tonight by opening up and sharing this with ya’ll. 
Namaste,

Lauren

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Uncategorized

Hello World!…..Again

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Hi,

My name is Lauren and this is I think my fourth or fifth blog that I have started. Ha! Here’s hoping that this one sticks because, well, this one is all about me. It’s for me, about me, by me, etc. You get the picture right? All the other blogs and projects (one of which I will get to in a later post (see I’m already planning more posts! This one has to work!)) were for about you, the reader. Now, I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with y’all, but I’m learning to be honest and, well, you ain’t my passion. Sorry, not sorry.

I am FINALLY working on myself. No that isn’t selfish, it’s important. I can’t love and care for my fiancé the way he deserves if I don’t love and care for myself first. Same goes for anyone else that I care about. This is a very hard lesson that I am learning but that’s why we call it a practice. Ba-da-dum! Get it? Hehe.

So, let’s dig in shall we. If you’re bored I hope you find this at least mildly entertaining, if not you can just skip around and see if you like it. If you don’t, I don’t care, I’m doing this for me, not you. If you resonate with any of what I have to say on this blog, then I am glad to have written it. Not so long ago I was afraid that I was alone in my beliefs, thoughts, musings, interests, blah blah, and I let others dictate HOW to do things. I’m here to tell you, and myself that if it feels funny-not-really-meshing-with-the-real-me-????-I guess-maybe? then don’t do it. Or at least give yourself some time to think it over and make it YOU.

Got off track there for a minute…..

Now we can dig in. As I said, my name is Lauren. I live in a house with my fiancè and my best friend. That’s technically two separate people, for those of you who are like “awwww her fiance is her best friend! ‘Hearts all around’. To simplify things, my best friend is a girl, my fiance is a guy. See? Two different people. Get used to this if you continue to follow 😉 I work at an amazing company that teaches adults with developmental disabilities life skills to live and work within the community. I love my job. It’s fucking awesome to go to work everyday (yes it’s stressful and chaotic as all get out) but to have the people I work with greet me like they couldn’t wait to see me since yesterday, to have them get excited about their accomplishments, to watch them dance, have fun, and feel validated about themselves, makes my heart sing.

My fiancè and bff moved here, where we live (if you don’t know me personally you don’t really know mwahahaha) about 10 months ago (holy shit). I personally love it but I’m getting used to the idea of impermanence so we’ll see where this goes. I am currently enrolled with a 200 Yoga Teacher Training with Discover the Wonders Yoga and it has been the most eye-opening adventure into myself that I have ever stumbled upon. I love the ladies I am learning with and I can’t wait to see what’s next.

Today was an inspiration day, to get this blog finally published and dig into figuring out who the hell I am. Daunting task if you know what it’s like inside my head. I have a warning label so let’s just say, you’re better off sticking to your own brain. I want to trust myself, my intuition, my body (that I’ve had more than enough uncomfortable thoughts about in my 31 years of living in it), my faith ( yes dear friends I have found Jesus, the Super Bowl actually helped me tag that one on hahaha. Not joking), my spirituality (yes those are two different things) and my present. I’ve lived waaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much in my past and my future, as I’m sure most of us have. “If you’re depressed you’re living in the past. If you’re anxious, you’re living in the future” – said a bunch of people at some time. Oh, I’ve recently been ‘diagnosed’ with depression. Yay! That’s the past for you, and I’m also an anxious person, hello future. So you see my motivation to live in the NOW is pretty high.

So in between all those lines I have written is what this blog will be about. Didn’t catch it? This blog isn’t for you, and that’s ok. Among other things, I plan to write about my relationship with yoga, my experiences in YTT, past adventures, oh and my upcoming wedding mwhahahahahahahahaha!

I hope you enjoy and feel free to comment.

Here’s to life lessons, discovery, screw-ups, and starting overs.

Namaste,

Lauren