Self Discovery

Be a Friggin Weirdo!

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and I did the worst thing I could possibly do…

I looked at the clock. NEVER look at the clock when you wake up because you’ll never get back to sleep easily.

And that my friends is the reason why I recognized that I am pretty much burnt to a crisp and I can’t wait for my vacation on Monday.

Because of being burnt out, and realizing it, I wasn’t in the mood to cook dinner… again. And I felt guilty about it… again. Why? Why do I make myself feel guilty all the time for being so “absolute” in my decisions. Why don’t I ever give myself any slack? Why do we all put so much pressure on ourselves to do the “right” or “normal” thing and then feel like an ass when we say “screw it” and do what we wanted to do in the first place?

That was a mouthful.

Point #1 – I do things in absolutes.

WTF? I am a go in or go home, jump in head first kinda gal. When I get an idea that motivates me enough to act on in, I’m all in baby. Here’s a little background to prove it…

When I was in my Wicca phase, I denounced any other religion (which is totally not a really Wicca thing to do) and grabbed anything I could get my hands on that would make me feel like a real witch. I spent hundreds of dollars on books, herbs, candles, and random trinkets to satisfy my need to appear to be a bonafide Wiccan. Did it make me happy? NOPE.

When I decided to move to North Carolina my big plan was to live there FOREVER. No ifs ands or buts about it. I couldn’t wait to change my license plates and driver’s license to read 100% NC. Long story short, I live in Massachusetts again. I did learn a lot about myself on my 1 year adventure in the South but it was a tough pill to swallow to admit defeat and move back in with my parents.

When I decided to go back to college I had the plan that I was going to go all the way to the Doctorate degree in Psychology and specialize in PTSD. I have my Bachelors Degree of Science and I never want to write another research paper as long as I live. Never say never tho…

But sometimes it isn’t all bad…

I went all in with Tim and my relationship and I am over the moon in love with the man and our life together ❤

I am a MUCH happier person as a Catholic than I ever was in my struggle to prove to myself that I was a pagan with no community and no balls to ask to be a part of one.

My point here is, I beat myself up for doing this to myself. For leaping and then looking at my consequences. I want to change, but will I? Maybe. I have learned, the hard way, that change doesn’t happen overnight. THAT is the sticking point.

Point #2 Why am I the last to find out that I need to give myself a break?

Work work work work work work, something something, work work work work work work…..

I feel bad when I call in sick to work. I feel bad asking for a vacation. I feel bad when I don’t have the energy to cook dinner, clean the house, do the laundry, or wash the dishes. I feel bad when I take a 3 hour nap because I’m exhausted. I feel bad that I don’t go to yoga class for weeks at a time. I feel bad for giving myself a friggin break!

Self-care, something that I actually encouraged my wonderful yoga students about in yesterday’s class ha! is something that we don’t often think about. And when we do think about it, it means we’re selfish.

But we can’t pour anything out of an empty cup. We need to take care of OURSELVES before we take care of those we love. I say this, but I still have trouble with it OBVIOUSLY.

There are days when I’m all about taking care of myself, staying in bed all day and what not. Then there are days when I feel bad about it and even dwell on past days that I “wasted time” taking care of myself when I could have cleaned the house that I’m so upset about. WTF Lauren.

Point #3 Pressure comin’ down on me ding ding ding da-da ding ding

So what if we cover up the taste in our mouth with a cracker at 2am. So what if we then wash that crackery taste out with some soda instead of brushing our teeth? When we don’t think about what everyone else will think, are we happy? Why do we have to think about what others will say?

Sometimes I want to go back to my elementary school girl self and smack me upside the head for starting to care about what my so-called friends think about me. People are mean because they can’t stand themselves so they have to take it out on others. Being weird is actually pretty fucking awesome.

Breaking out into little twerking sessions for no reason, pounding chocolate glazed donuts because why the hell not, praising Jesus and reading the bible every morning while having the mouth of a truck driver, and rather being in bed than having to socialize in any way shape or form is who I am.

If I don’t like it, I have to take a look at the voices of society that I allow to disrupt my donut heaven and tell them to shut the hell up.

Because in the end, it’s not ME who dislikes what I do and how I do it. It’s everyone else.

It’s not me, it’s you.

So let’s get over it and be happy with ourselves for once.

 

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Depression, Self Discovery

Depression…At Least it Makes Me Write

I have argued with myself for the past 3 days on writing this post and the motivation finally found its way to me after researching who I would like my Patron Saint to be when I am baptized.

The Lord works in mysterious ways right?

Starting from the beginning I guess is the best course of action, yes?

I let my hopes get up. A lot. I overthink things even though I know that all I am doing is hurting myself in the long run. There is really no point in dwelling on these thoughts. I tell myself it’s all in my head and to wait for physical proof but the thought turns to hope and then hope turns into devastation when I face the truth.

That’s as far as I’m going with that explanation, some things in my life are never going to be in print. They are between God, Tim, my family, and I.

What I will say is that this time, this thought/hope/devastation turned into a depression that I hadn’t seen for a very long time. I believe whole-heartedly that my finding Jesus, going to church, and reading the bible everyday has everything to do with it.

I have been so filled with God’s love that depression ran away for a good long while. It was when I let go, even for a second, of what God’s plan is for me that I lost that feeling of joy.

Sure I had some down days, but they were “normal” “neurotypical” down days. They didn’t spread into an amalgam of icky feelings of anger, sadness, devastation (there’s that word again), confusion, and overwhelm. But a few days ago that was what I was feeling. Until this morning.

I woke up super early, no alarm, just a need to be awake. I cooked Tim his lunches for the week, started the laundry, took care of our dog Chloe, made a cup of tea and sat down with the word. 4 versions of it to be exact.

I’m on a high with the Holy Spirit, what can I say?

I read my passage in my journaling bible, the passage listed in my parish’s bulletin for today, my daily bible verse sent to me from an app on my phone, and the actual parish bulletin. And suddenly, everything was alright again. I felt like ME again. I felt God’s love again and it lifted my spirit to meet his.

Now if you haven’t been completely aware of my journey this probably is a big shocker for you, especially if you knew me before I started this blog. But it’s all true. It’s me. And I’m happier than I have ever been. I am able to love Tim, my family, friends, and others way more than I ever could before I found Jesus. I was touched by Grace on an office couch and it was all uphill from there.

Now getting back to choosing my Patron Saint. I will be choosing the Virgin Mary because she was the one who held me together when I thought I was losing it the other night. I lost count of how many Hail Mary’s I said that night but ever since then I began to turn back to God and finding joy in life again. There are of course many other reasons but those, again, are for me to know 😉

I almost didn’t write this post. And now that I think on it, I can’t figure out why.

Maybe you need to have read it. Maybe something in it, it doesn’t have to be God if he isn’t for you, but something that can help you through whatever it is you’re going through, can shake up your spirit and get you back to YOU again.

So with that,

Have a great day and God bless xoxo

Lauren