Depression, Self Discovery

Depression…At Least it Makes Me Write

I have argued with myself for the past 3 days on writing this post and the motivation finally found its way to me after researching who I would like my Patron Saint to be when I am baptized.

The Lord works in mysterious ways right?

Starting from the beginning I guess is the best course of action, yes?

I let my hopes get up. A lot. I overthink things even though I know that all I am doing is hurting myself in the long run. There is really no point in dwelling on these thoughts. I tell myself it’s all in my head and to wait for physical proof but the thought turns to hope and then hope turns into devastation when I face the truth.

That’s as far as I’m going with that explanation, some things in my life are never going to be in print. They are between God, Tim, my family, and I.

What I will say is that this time, this thought/hope/devastation turned into a depression that I hadn’t seen for a very long time. I believe whole-heartedly that my finding Jesus, going to church, and reading the bible everyday has everything to do with it.

I have been so filled with God’s love that depression ran away for a good long while. It was when I let go, even for a second, of what God’s plan is for me that I lost that feeling of joy.

Sure I had some down days, but they were “normal” “neurotypical” down days. They didn’t spread into an amalgam of icky feelings of anger, sadness, devastation (there’s that word again), confusion, and overwhelm. But a few days ago that was what I was feeling. Until this morning.

I woke up super early, no alarm, just a need to be awake. I cooked Tim his lunches for the week, started the laundry, took care of our dog Chloe, made a cup of tea and sat down with the word. 4 versions of it to be exact.

I’m on a high with the Holy Spirit, what can I say?

I read my passage in my journaling bible, the passage listed in my parish’s bulletin for today, my daily bible verse sent to me from an app on my phone, and the actual parish bulletin. And suddenly, everything was alright again. I felt like ME again. I felt God’s love again and it lifted my spirit to meet his.

Now if you haven’t been completely aware of my journey this probably is a big shocker for you, especially if you knew me before I started this blog. But it’s all true. It’s me. And I’m happier than I have ever been. I am able to love Tim, my family, friends, and others way more than I ever could before I found Jesus. I was touched by Grace on an office couch and it was all uphill from there.

Now getting back to choosing my Patron Saint. I will be choosing the Virgin Mary because she was the one who held me together when I thought I was losing it the other night. I lost count of how many Hail Mary’s I said that night but ever since then I began to turn back to God and finding joy in life again. There are of course many other reasons but those, again, are for me to know 😉

I almost didn’t write this post. And now that I think on it, I can’t figure out why.

Maybe you need to have read it. Maybe something in it, it doesn’t have to be God if he isn’t for you, but something that can help you through whatever it is you’re going through, can shake up your spirit and get you back to YOU again.

So with that,

Have a great day and God bless xoxo

Lauren

Advertisements
Depression

F*ck You Depression, I Brushed My Teeth…

For the record I am not in any way speaking for everyone who has or has had depression. This is my story and I’m stick to it.

Depression sucks. It doesn’t just suck because you start feeling sad for no reason, it sucks because you start feeling sad for no friggin reason out of friggin no where during a time when you are the happiest you could ever be.

This used to only happen to me once a month. Now it seems to be popping up whenever the hell it wants to. 

I usually get teary eyed, like I am right now, and just lay down and sleep it away. Sometimes the tears are too hard to fight and I just let them win.

I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t want to do yoga, which I love. I don’t want to crochet my happy rainbow blanket. I don’t want to finish the set of mala beads that I’ve started for a friend. And sometimes I don’t even want to feel happy.

As fucked up as that sounds, sometimes it just takes too much energy to put a smile on my face.

But a breakthrough happened tonight. I brushed my teeth.

I was laying in bed wiping the stupid tears off my face, hoping Tim (my wonderful fiancé ) wouldnt notice because then they would just pour out more, and telling myself I’m just going to go to the bathroom and go to sleep.
When I walked past the mirror in the bathroom to do just that I stopped myself and flipped the depression the lovely finger.

I may not be wanting to feel happy right now, but I sure have enough energy to be pissed.

I picked up my toothbrush and really messy toothpaste that I’ve been meaning to clean up, it’s everywhere like on the countertop and hanging off the toothpaste container (sorry mom LOL) and I brushed my mother freakin teeth.

To those of you who do not have depression, I’m not going to say suffer because that just makes it worse, sometimes the littlest, simplest things are the hardest things in the world to do.

It sucks because you start getting down on yourself, or at least that is what I tend to do, because you know how simple it is so just get off your sniffling ass and do it.

I just realized how that last sentence sounded and I’m not sorry because it made me smile. #smallvictories.

I put so much pressure on myself to get things done. I feel terrible when I let myself do nothing or buy myself something special or take care of my damn self. I view the people I care about as more important and part of that is how my depression gets triggered. 

But it’s actually more important to take care of me so I can give to others.

That’s a hard ass pill to swallow and believe me it’s still stuck in my throat.

Again, I am in no way shape or form speaking for

This is my story and I thought that I would kick depression in the ass a second time tonight by opening up and sharing this with ya’ll. 
Namaste,

Lauren