This is a shout-out to my 32nd year on this Earth. This year its all about me. Last year was all about two people becoming one. The joining of two wonderful families to create an amazing circle of love that I am so grateful to God for granting me this gift.
But now its time for me to wake the fuck up.
I’m trying to get my shit together so that I can be strong enough to face myself without purposeful distraction.
What is it about ourselves that is so scary that we use outside stimulation to blind ourselves from what’s inside?
When we all know that if we just grew a pair and looked within ourselves we could begin to fix the parts of ourselves that we believe to be broken; including the part of us that doesn’t understand that we’re not broke so we don’t need fixin’. All we have to do is face it.
So where the hell do we begin?
The thing that comes to mind for me is Yoga.
Yoga puts me in my place. It shows me where I am with my mind, body, and spirit and forces me to accept where I am in the moment.
I can’t expect to do a perfect handstand if my shoulders and legs are tight and my wrists aren’t strong enough to hold my body weight.
I can’t find the zen within my practice where time seems to stand still, there is only me and my mat, and the movement of my breath and body if my brain is going ten thousand miles an hour with what I have to do today, what happened 10 years ago, or what could happen in the next 5 years.
I can’t feel strong, steady, and focused if I bury my spirit in doubt instead of giving every worry and fear to God. I can’t be the free, hippie/gypsy, rainbow unicorn, loving nerd if I live in the past or rush toward the future.
My yoga embodies all of this.
Yoga isn’t about touching your fucking toes, it’s about how you get there. It’s your breath, your calm, your center, your moment.
It’s not your grocery list, your dirty laundry, your negative bank account, your shitty job, your crazy kids, the traffic, the economy, or who is president.
It’s you. All of you. One breath at a time.
Yoga is so powerful that it opens up all those locked doors that I have kept dusty in the back of my mind because I thought I wasn’t good enough or that it would never happen.
I’m afraid to write this next part because I am known for breaking many promises to myself. For example, on the 13th of October I promised to go on a social media cleanse. Long story short, I bombed that one.
But, unlike the old me who would have gotten down on myself and felt guilty for not keeping my promise, I told myself there was a reason.
That reason that I went back on my word to myself was to become aware of WHEN I started scrolling through the posts of everyone else’s lives.
It was when I caught a whiff of some part of me that I have been meaning to explore but became a chicken shit and ran in the other direction.
So no, I don’t take me breaking my promise as a bad thing. Which lead me to the scary next couple of sentences.
I need to write. Every. Damn. Day.
I need to write on this blog that will become my journal every day. <<<< I really want to delete this sentence, but as someone said and then someone once said/pinned/posted/tweeted:
“If it doesn’t scare you, it won’t change you”
So here’s to the big change. Here’s to me finding the motivation to writing every day, to forgiving myself for not writing, and for the lessons that I will learn from both.