Depression

F*ck You Depression, I Brushed My Teeth…

For the record I am not in any way speaking for everyone who has or has had depression. This is my story and I’m stick to it.

Depression sucks. It doesn’t just suck because you start feeling sad for no reason, it sucks because you start feeling sad for no friggin reason out of friggin no where during a time when you are the happiest you could ever be.

This used to only happen to me once a month. Now it seems to be popping up whenever the hell it wants to. 

I usually get teary eyed, like I am right now, and just lay down and sleep it away. Sometimes the tears are too hard to fight and I just let them win.

I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t want to do yoga, which I love. I don’t want to crochet my happy rainbow blanket. I don’t want to finish the set of mala beads that I’ve started for a friend. And sometimes I don’t even want to feel happy.

As fucked up as that sounds, sometimes it just takes too much energy to put a smile on my face.

But a breakthrough happened tonight. I brushed my teeth.

I was laying in bed wiping the stupid tears off my face, hoping Tim (my wonderful fiancĂ© ) wouldnt notice because then they would just pour out more, and telling myself I’m just going to go to the bathroom and go to sleep.
When I walked past the mirror in the bathroom to do just that I stopped myself and flipped the depression the lovely finger.

I may not be wanting to feel happy right now, but I sure have enough energy to be pissed.

I picked up my toothbrush and really messy toothpaste that I’ve been meaning to clean up, it’s everywhere like on the countertop and hanging off the toothpaste container (sorry mom LOL) and I brushed my mother freakin teeth.

To those of you who do not have depression, I’m not going to say suffer because that just makes it worse, sometimes the littlest, simplest things are the hardest things in the world to do.

It sucks because you start getting down on yourself, or at least that is what I tend to do, because you know how simple it is so just get off your sniffling ass and do it.

I just realized how that last sentence sounded and I’m not sorry because it made me smile. #smallvictories.

I put so much pressure on myself to get things done. I feel terrible when I let myself do nothing or buy myself something special or take care of my damn self. I view the people I care about as more important and part of that is how my depression gets triggered. 

But it’s actually more important to take care of me so I can give to others.

That’s a hard ass pill to swallow and believe me it’s still stuck in my throat.

Again, I am in no way shape or form speaking for

This is my story and I thought that I would kick depression in the ass a second time tonight by opening up and sharing this with ya’ll. 
Namaste,

Lauren

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