Self Discovery, Yoga

My Practice Has 12 Seasons…

Give or take. Once a month I hit the funk.

funk1

[fuhngk]
noun
1.

cowering fear; state of great fright or terror.
2.

a dejected mood:

He’s been in a funk ever since she walked out on him.
verb (used with object)
3.

to be afraid of.
Definition courtesy of dictionary.com. I tend to favor the second definition and here is my twist on it:
Lauren’s Funk
[bleeeehhhhhhh]
noun
1. loss of motivation, overly sensitive/emotional. Prone to crying fits.
I don’t wanna
This usually lasts for about two weeks, during which I don’t want to do any yoga (physically) but my mind tends to run wild with a myriad of ideas and philosophies.
The other day I had a spark of inspiration to DO SOMETHING with this mental yoga. I started researching yamas and niyamas (the try to and try not to’s of the yogic philosophy) and creating/manifesting my personal style of yoga.
This was a huge step for me and the funk. Usually I would just have all of these ideas and carry on with a woe-is-me attitude. Nothing would get done and I wouldn’t grow.
But now I hope to hone into these moments of mental yoga.
Maybe the funk I endure every month doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I believe its my body telling me that it’s time to move inward.
Yoga isn’t all physical. Life follows that same system.
LIFE is more than DOING.
It’s being, feeling, thinking, aspiring, inspiring, etc.
So where does this all stem from?
I’ve been really thinking about why I do or don’t do certain things. For example, do you ever see something: a painting, a book, a dancer, etc, and think, I wish I could do that! 
But when you actually sit down to do it, it never works out right.
That’s because we are trying to imitate others. We’re not trusting ourselves to do it OUR WAY.
For the past couple of weeks I have been trying to find a style of yoga, a particular yogi, or a yogic philosophy that has something to do with empowerment. But I didn’t like what I was finding. A lot of it was women empowerment (I’m a woman but do I really just want to empower women?). I also found a lot of information about the solar plexus chakra, which is located at our bellies. It’s responsible for getting our butts into action and DOING what we are motivated to do. But that was just a single piece.
All of the information I found wasn’t cutting it. It either didn’t match what I was looking for or it didn’t mesh with the idea/philosophy going on inside of my head.
Why?
I was looking for something that I already had.
I’m not going to find anything that will be exactly what I’m looking for when trying to manifest my style of yoga. I was trying to imitate others when what I really wanted and needed to do was just trust what I already knew and build it from scratch.
Scary. As. Fuck.
But I truly believe that it is something that I have to do. If not something for my future students, than for my own personal yoga practice.
So here I am, making lists of everything I can think of when Empowerment comes to mind.
I made lists of yoga poses that invite confidence, make me feel strong, and of course empowered.
I made lists of musical artists that scream empowerment, motivation, and mirror my soul.
I wrote down words that I wanted to manifest in people when they follow my practice – determination, strength, genuine, authentic, real, truth, power, triumph, beauty, trust…
Of course this is still a baby thought. I’m still putting the pieces together and learning as I go. A lot of it has to do with self-discovery and trusting that what I believe is my truth.
I’ve been catching myself wondering what others would think about some of my beliefs and telling myself that it really isn’t any of my business.
As long as I am happy, I am doing good, I am spreading God’s love, I am seeking to help others, than what I believe is perfect. I am doing nothing wrong.
Its taken me a while to realize that but sometime the hard lessons take years.
Sorry not sorry that this post was full of tangents but that’s what you get when you read my practice.
Life isn’t a straight line. It isn’t even a circle. Stop trying to plan it all out and just go with the flow. Yes, Tim, my lovely fiancé is probably going to give me a look at that statement because I am the queen of planning and over planning, but I’m aloud to make mistakes and try to fix them ❤ 😉
Namaste

 

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Self Discovery

Self Discovery…What a Bitch It Can Be

Well, time flies when you get stuck in a rut, procrastinate, fall into a pit of depression, and argue with yourself on whether or not you really want to write this blog.

I won the argument btw. It only took a month.

This particular blog piece may or may not be part of a series I had planned on writing. I’m trying not to plan too much for reasons that may or may not become clear as you continue reading this.

Before I get into all of this I want to say that although it might seem pretty negative, my point is to go through a part of my life that I regret and see how it has influenced my decisions. It is not to get down on myself or what not, but to see a part of me that I have run away from and forgive it.

hey-2
This is a Good thing

So shall I start from the beginning?

Sometime, I think in January, in I think 2015, I became an Independent Beachbody coach. I got into in through one of my friends who happened to be doing the same workout program that I had just started doing at the time.

I made a comment on one of her pictures and the rest is history.

My reason for jumping into the workout video and becoming a coach was because I had recently quit smoking and I wanted to quit jerking myself around and BE healthy.

I had tried Bosu at my local gym and that was ok. I also tried Piloxing, which made me feel like a badass with wicked sore shoulders. And then I found the 21 Day Fix. It was awesome and I felt great. I made progress in my health and yadda yadda yadda.

I dove straight into coaching. I went through a ‘How To’ on social media with my new team. I met some truly, wonderful people with big dreams and big goals. They were working so hard to make a difference in not only their lives and health, but others as well.

I thought that was pretty friggin awesome and I caught the bug. The one thing that I wish I had done differently was to be MYSELF throughout the whole process.

I wanted so badly to succeed. To quit my job and become a full-time coach just like so many had done before. I had dreams of paying off all of my debt.

I had a 10 year plan to build a community that would allow people to live there for a year and a day. They would pay what they could afford in rent and I would give them the option to either buy the house with the money I would have kept in a savings account for them or give them that money that they had paid me in rent and they could move on with their lives.

Working as a Beachbody coach put me on a path to care for others. I just didn’t like the walk.

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Face That Fear

What I mean by that is, in order to make any money and make my big plan a reality, I had to invite people to buy the workout programs, other products, and invite them to become coaches.

This is where I lost myself. I was so determined to get it right that I let everyone in the business influence my actions. I randomly asked people if they wanted to be a coach. People I had never met, people I had just befriended on social media, people that I made into numbers.

All along I was fighting with myself, telling myself that that definitely wasn’t how to introduce people to something that had the possibility of changing their lives. It got to a point where I was spending a hell of a lot more money than I was making. But I buried that fact with a feeling that I needed to do this. It was all I had. I was single, I was bored with my life. I didn’t think I had a purpose, but becoming a coach gave me a purpose.

But I turned it into a shitty way to live.

I had to market myself on social media because I was waaaaaay to shy to speak about becoming a coach or doing workout videos in person. And marketing on social media is by no means a simple thing.

You have to post EVERY FUCKING DAY so that you are seen by people, so that your story is told. If I wanted any kind of life I had to schedule posts so I could make sure I was posting every day. I spent money on editing programs, post schedulers, social media ads, you name it.

I was fucking miserable.

Now I want to say that if you really believe in yourself and in the programs and the company, this can and does work for people. I have met many wonderful, caring, and kind people who have become coaches and have helped change many lives.

But I have also seen people in the business who were in it for the quick money and didn’t have a care for the people they were introducing to this.

I would categorize myself as a person who truly cared about the people that I could inspire to become happier with themselves, however that translated for them, but I didn’t know how to do it in a way that wouldn’t cost them a dime, when my goal was to make money.

Pretty shitty.

There is a right way and a wrong way to be a Beachbody coach. And the right way is to be yourself, and to not let the influence of other success stories and money get in the way.

I met Tim at the tail end of my coaching. Before him, coaching was my life. I had a really big fucking hole in my life that needed filling and Beachbody filled it. For a time. But then Tim barged right into my heart and coaching was an after thought.

I cried the night Tim asked me if coaching was really worth my time and money. I cried because the people I was on the same mission with, of helping people achieve their goals, had become like a family to me. I cried because I felt like I was letting them down.

I cried because Tim was right.

I was wasting my time because every time I sat down to post something I wanted to throw my computer at the wall. I resented having to post a stupid ass picture of myself in work out clothes sweating my ass off telling people that they could do it too.

And that brings us full circle to why I haven’t posted in a month on this blog.

I don’t ever want to write just to write.

This blog is NOT a marketing thing to get your attention. This is a way for me to tell MYSELF the truth.

Writing in a journal just doesn’t do it for me. I get the words out but it’s like I’m keeping everything a secret from myself.

When I post on this blog I’m telling the whole fucking world.

I’m not allowing myself to hide from my shit anymore. And yes it may take a month or two for me to write something, but sometimes the truth is a really big fucking pill to swallow and I’m scared of it.

So, obviously I quit coaching.

I argue with myself whenever I get an idea for a blog post because I want to make absolutely sure that it’s FOR me and not you lovely people out there.

I’m learning to be selfish.

And believe it or not, being selfish is a good thing.

miniuni-2
Just Cuz

Namasté

Lauren

P.S

When you see those before and after pictures of people who have made progress with their health and fitness goals, give them props. They worked hard for that and it takes a shit tons of gonads to post something so personal for the whole world to see.

My experience may not have turned out so hunky dory, but that doesn’t mean that people aren’t getting healthier and happier from making the decision to put themselves first no matter what program, gym, that ugly word diet, or lifestyle change that they decided to make.

It’s hard work to become the best version of you, so give those who are kicking ass the encouragement they deserve.